Slipped the Eye

It didn't look that great hanging on the rack, but I took it down anyways, coz I had just ripped my regular pair and needed a new one.

So I tried it on, looked at the mirror and thought, "well, this ain't bad. For RM15 I shouldn't ask for much."

Paid the cashier and went merrily home. Upon closer inspection, there was a bigger price tag on the other side of the garment, which I hadn't noticed earlier. The pair of Benetton jeans I bought for RM15 was supposeda have been RM309, before discount.

How many other instances have I been blind to the many blessings in my life? God, pry open my eyes...



(Also, those darned retailers!)

All the Important Lessons

Two weeks ago my mom stood up to respond to an altar call. I forgot what the message was all about. Before that, I was seated with my eyes lowered, thinking what futility it had been, me taking staying home all these years freelancing and not being able to really get my life going. In one word, my life had been characterised by "routine" and that is Public Enemy #1 where I am concerned.

My mom just follows me to church and we would do our lunch and weekend groceries together. I love holding her hand when we cross the street coz it reminds me of her holding mine when I was young. It is also the most routine and boring kind of life anyone can ever imagine. A few years earlier, I certainly could not see nor be able to accept that I would be leading this kinda life... think I would rather die.

But. Life has its many turns. And humour. I found myself doing exactly what I dreaded the most... being settled. I mean, this is worse than getting a college diploma. For a person who guffawed at a high school diploma (or for that matter, any diploma), I think I would have gladly heaped a degree rather than sink into a routine.

However, if this is the price to get my family rooted in the love of God, it is definitely worth it. I have a family most would envy. We are not rich, but we are together. All of us have come to know Jesus and lay claim to eternal life. All of us live (sometimes unconciously) under the grace of the Almighty.

All of us still sin.

Darn.

Anyways, my mom. She surprised me by standing up to respond to the message. Something stuck after all in our countless evenings of conversations. I am not running a futile race - there is a deep, silent work the Holy Spirit is doing in her heart, and it required me to be at home.

I can live with that.

Dear God, it'ld be nice if all our seedlings grow strong and mighty overnight... and yet, thank You that they don't. We would have missed all the important lessons.

Not Exactly Popular Fruit

The fruit of the Spirit is something I didn't ask for, nor would I want it at this point of time. Nope, all I want is to assert my rights and have a little bit of my privacy back. I mean, I am not asking for much, I only want to be able to sleep my 7 hours each night; and even that is being abruptly cut short by my 5-year-old niece's screaming and yelling every single morning at 7am.

So who cares that I write and work late and sleep at 3am? I still get woken up at 7am, and would still have to resume my 12-hour workday on my feet most of the time. People who suffer from sleepiness causes road accidents, if that makes the news at all these days. More importantly - lack of sleep aggravates my arm pain.

So for the past 2 years, I kept silent with the screaming. I did bring up the matter with my brother and sis-in-law (the parents) several times and they basically did next-to-nothing. Never disciplined their kid. In fact, the kid commands them around.

Today, the screaming continued. I had enough. Went to talk to my bro and gave him three options:
1. Soundproof the room
2. Carry his daughter downstairs where her piercing voice is outta earshot.
3. Allow me to discipline his kid.

He was reluctant to perform any of the above.

I told him I would have to move out if the condition persist. At that point his kid came down (what else!) crying. Her dad and mom told her to be quiet but to no avail. I took out a cane and told her sternly that if she continues to be disobedient to her parents I would personally see that she gets licked by the rod. She bawled even louder and ran to her mom, who promptly rescued, cradled and pacified her. The bawling intensified. Tragic.

In the mid-morning I had cooled down considerably to send text messages to my bro and sis-in-law to apologise for over-riding their authority earlier. They expressed no intention to discipline their kid (anyways, why start now, since they had never done that before??)

I fear.

I know my bro's family is just a small representation of believing families caught in an endless cycle of parents working long hours, grappling for time, mothers spending hours away from their children, buying expensive toys to substitute their presence.

I fear.

Through permissive parenting we raise up a godless generation who thinks they are "saved from damnation" yet have little regard for moral values. Because their parents did not think it was important. Because a good academic education is preferred. Because "healthy emotional growth" is more... pressing.

I fear.

Fathers losing their authority because they had never practised their God-given role. Children disobedient and downright treating authority with disdain -a generation the Bible mentions will be prevalent in the last days.

But I cannot change things. Except pray.

Sigh, and so I live, one day after the next, screamings and all.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
(Galations 5:22)

Desire & God

All my desire is before Thee, so wrote missionary Elizabeth Elliott when she hadda give up the one thing that she desired most (to be married to Jim Elliot, which she eventually did, before he got martyred). Though I may not understand why she would desire to be married, the feeling of desiring some object is certainly not an alien concept to humankind.

Ahhh... if only I didn't want it so much! If only I could have it, I would be happy, satisfied and want no more. Yeah, wrong. That'll make it something I want more than God. He gets pushed out of the equation in favour of something lesser. Creation takes precedence over Creator. Back to the cycle of sin regenerated. Ugh.

I wonder why God even bothered. Man is so mah-fan, a definite pain-in- the-neck at most times and deperately in need of being rescued at others. But I guess that's what I will never fully comprehend with my head - His patience, His kindness. His love.

He has silenced me with His love, and all my desires are now before Him.

Thoughts of Banana-ism

Being a banana (yellow-skinned, white insides), I concluded, is preferable to being a durian (prickly outside, mushy inside). At least that's what I tell myself anyways.

For the n-th time today, someone commented that I was a banana. I don't think he meant it in a deragoratory manner, but in an unguarded moment, he spoke what was in his heart. He wasn't the only one that thought so either, my closest friends liken me to being that way and honestly, I don't really care. I have gone past the point of caring lah.

What's the use spewing all those Chinese / Malaysianese buzzwords in perfect intonation when all they do is conceal an already Westernised mind? My friends ask me that. I ask myself that. Maybe in time, being a hybrid banana would be fashionable... who knows...

I believe

I am half-convinved that I am in the wrong industry. Am on the verge of turning down another job, when people like me should be scrambling and kissing feet for it. Aaaah... if it wasn't for conviction...

LP says I have way too many convictions. she reminds me that I have already turned down several lucrative offers because of my "convictions" - not allowing myself in situations that would threathen to compromise integrity, ie, bribing, underhand dealings, etc. Seriously, I hope I am not turning into a legalistic zealot. I do hope that at the end, it is God's righteousness that is shown forth. I hope that I am not making a mistake.

But I do believe that the Spirit works in our consciences and somehow, in His faithfulness God helps us despite of ourselves. I believe God will bring in the right jobs, the ones pleasing in His sight. I believe His blessings are the ones that carry no sorrow with them. I believe in Providence. And I believe, in the end, every single thing we do and every single thought (and the motivation behind them) will be brought to God face to face.

And I'd hate to be ashamed on that day.

Dear God, steady me in my decisions. Especially when the alternatives get very tempting.

Floating the Tithe

I find the issue of tithing quite fascinating. More so, when I have to make decisions on how much. Traditional opinion suggests 10 percent of gross income, or more. But is that all to it?

Of course, you have well-meaning people whose testimonies of "not being able to out-give God" plastered and heralded all over. These are people who have endured very trying financial situations (to the point of not being able to feed their children, etc) and still gave whatever paltry sum they had to God. And they testify of being rewarded; they miraculously got out of debt (usually by someone else's intervention) or whatever difficult situation they were in, and is now giving glory to God. That's really good, don't get me wrong. It gives tremendous stimulation and encouragement that God is certainly good, generous and above all, very concerned about the welfare of His children.

But doesn't that make some people think that God is some kind of vending machine? Slot in a coin and get whatever you want? Or worse, a one-arm bandit... just push in your "investment" this time round and see how God "miraculously exponentially returns it?" Or sublimely more dangerous: pay your tithes, it is an insurance against financial calamity and other woes?

In Old Testament, the people of God were required to give a stipulated amount of their possessions back to God, who owns everything anyways. It was part of the Law. No arguement there.

New Testament devotees were told to give sacrificially, with a cheerful heart. That means it could be anything from 1 to 100 percent. Let your heart attitude determine the giving barometer. That's the essence of the freedom Jesus came to give those who believe in Him. Absolute, but with an awesome sense of responsibility. IMHO, no longer can we hide behind the excuse of the law in a fixed numeral tithe. Now it is our hearts which determine the amount we give, and by that, indicate a clear reflection of our spiritual condition.

To be fair, not all people who give great amounts are spiritual giants. The same is to be said of the opposite - not all who give smaller amounts are spiritual gnats. I had known people who had so little to live on, and they do not have anything leftover. Should they be made to feel quilty over their "lack of giving"? I had also known a congregation where one had no qualms of going into debt to "pledge in faith" for an impending church project.

I fall into the 10 percent or more category. Had been there since the day I put my faith in Jesus. Of late, my mind had been brought back to the issue of "getting out of the fixed numeral box" when tithing. Since then I had been sensing the danger of 'floating my tithe' (danger of injury to my own wallet, that is.)

For the first three months, I held back from normal tithing, all the while holding my breath to see if any financial catastrophe will overtake my 'insolence and rebellion'. Nothing happened. Which made it worse as I merely expected the bad things to snowball and hit me harder.

At the end of the third month, I was quite nervous. Never in my Christian life had I failed to tithe, and this experiment was coming to a point where it should have its conclusion, or so I thought. Then, it so happened that a missionary friend visited. One thing led to another and I ended up giving out a generous amount to my friend that covered more than my normal tithe over the same period. It wasn't forced giving, nor was it out of compulsion. It was a natural thing that was devoid of much contemplation nor thought. It was very... spontaneous and natural.

Hmmm... I was relieved when I got tithe out of the way after the third month. It was God's grace upon this little experiment of mine. He knew I probably couldn't take the stakeout much longer, and He also showed me that I had a restricted view of giving. Don't get me wrong, giving should be a consistent discipline, but over the long haul, it should more accurately reflect the condition of the heart rather than a mere adherence to a common practice.

I still "float my tithe". With less guilt (every experiment is a new experience!) and more confidence these past few months, though. A general observation is that I tend to give more after the floating has begun, but the fact that I don't know exactly how much more is a good sign that my head - and heart - had started to lose count.

To Nile or not to Nile

People ask me why I still type with pain in my arms. I usually ward off those kinda questions with a timely joke or a swift change of subject. Handy to have some of those up the sleeves. If you take away writing from me, I would... waste away? Granted, I don't make the prolific writers' list, but hey, who says you've gotta be Indian to enjoy good curry?
Just like you don't need to be an Egyptologist to be fascinated by that ancient civilisation down the Nile. One of these days (I am hoping it would be this year) I will make that trip down the Valley of The Kings and hang out at the Cairo Museum, do the tourist thing (something I haven't done in a long time) and basically be enamoured by the great historic and cultural landscape all around me. Aaaaah...

Man, gotta go rough it out before I get too old and need dentures to chew through my salad. Or else just stock up the backpack with porridge mix. Can't wait to to wander, wander, wander... maybe I should just hook up with a professional wanderer to do a global circuit thing.... hmmm...