Old Farts Are Farts Too

I turn 35 today. Wow, I never thought I would be this old. I mean, 35 is an age where people get to the boring stage of their lives, they would have changed diapers for a few years, gotten deeply mired in mortgages, debts, watching pointless golf tourneys while eating tv dinners, and probably spent a fortune on whitening & slimming creams, botox, etc, etc.

And me? I am getting tired more easily (though that could be a result of lack of exercise than anything else) and more accommodating. Or maybe I am just too darn lazy to argue anymore.

I remember that a decade ago, at 25, the world was my oyster. A friend then asked, "What are you going to do if you had all the money in the world?" I thought for a while and said, "I would travel, and then give it all away." Ten years down the line, I still don't have all the money in the world, but I am glad I managed to do both, to a certain extent.

The friends I have at 35 are different from the ones I had when I was 25. But the ones who really stuck are the ones I would have for life. Some people are happy just to have one. I am blessed with three. LP, Lizzy and Bea are lifers. I guess they didn'tstand a chance, considering my irresistable charm and magnetism (Ouch! Don't kill me now girls!)

That makes me wonder what I would be like in another decade's time. I really don't know what I would be doing. What do people do at 45 anyways? Get the 7-year-itch? Have grandkids? More botox?

Busy, busy

I am back! Ok, so I didn't leave for that long, but the trip south was a real dead-tiring one... anyways, I'll have to rush off in a couple minutes for two meetings back-to-back (almost) in town and before that I'll have to do up the multimedia stuff too. Then there's bible study which I MUST attend tonight in order to stay in the group (got kicked out once). After that my godma wants to take me out for my birthday treat (it's today, and I am turning into an old fart). After that, if I am still alive to the world, I would like to fall on my bed and be dead instead. Aaaargh... I am soooo tired out!

Dissed

So... I am singing oldies off-tune, off-pitch and off-key with my colleague Crystal coz we are very, very bored. Of all the things I listed previously, what did I get to do? OK, basically #s 1 & 3. The rest? Got held up by these suppliers we oughta release.... grrrrrr!!!!! AND we still can't leave south coz we are delayed by some bozos who can't get the visuals out in time... double grrr!!

Daily List

Things to do today:

1. Dream up a multimedia presentation
2. Collect visuals from the ad agency
3. Finalise materials with client and venue provider for launch
4. Type invoice for scriptwriting
5. Eat lunch (Yay!!! I would l-o-v-e sushi, but then again I am broke...)
6. Prep details for roadshow next week
7. Drive 4-hours south for weekend roadshow
8. Supervise the set-up once arrived south
9. Go to bed! And get up for early swim tomorrow.

Where does God and family fit in???

OK, here we go again.

1. Pray
2. Dream up multimedia presentation
3. Talk to my mom & play with my niece
4. Collect visuals from ad agency... etc, etc..


God, please help me prioritize...

The Will Thing

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, Aug 17 reading:

(about the rich young ruler)...

"Sell all that you have," undress yourself morally before God of everything that might be a possession until you are a mere conscious human being and then give God that. That is where the battle is fought - in the domain of the will before God. Are you more devoted to your idea of what Jesus wants than to Himself? (etc, etc...)

The human will is a funny thing. I mean, it grabs - no- grips at you and causes you to rationalize everything down to something in favour of your own understanding. It is easy to say, "Your will be done, Lord," but quite another to willingly allow your own will to die. The person who goes to the guillotine willingly may have triumphed over his own flesh, but still possesses a will of steely determination to die for his cause. Ask him to lay down his cause, and he may yet live in his body but would have died in his soul. A mere shadow of the person he used to be.

Yet God says "deny yourselves and follow Me". I am sure He wasn't just talking about how we should treat our bodies.

Season of (Dis)Content

So. I was murmuring about how much I had to put into my work, mostly the energy-sapping long hours and how I found it impossible to hold a thought - much less write - when my brain happened to be so chocked-full with one task after another; and my body taxed to its hilt almost everyday.

I also mentioned about discerning the season of life I happen to be in.

Put those two together and what comes up (besides a premature senior moment due to brain overuse) ... is a sense of extreme tiredness and a realisation that "hey, I oughta be content even when my limbs threathen to fall off with one more activity, and especially more so when I start to entertain the idea of marriage as a free meal ticket..."

I can tell you why anyone who won't work shouldn't eat. I could also rationalise why too much work is detrimental. I could go on and on about the importance of balancing the two... but honestly, I find myself sufficiently deficient in that area, especially now. Perhaps I am too physically tired, perhaps I have grown jaded. Perhaps I have been discouraged too often. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps...

A gnawing thought creeps in uninvited, thudding like a drum repertoire frenzy: Give thanks in all situations... contentment with godliness is great gain... be content in lack and in abundance...

Waitaminute. I had not been content. I clung to memories, hoping to relive them to satisfy my own desire for significance, in which the meaning and purpose of my life were tightly entwined. And like an anaemic carrot, they hover around my straying thoughts, slowly casting a shroud of discontent.

I looked back at my past and wonder why my life stopped at 31. Did I pack too much in before that? Is it gonna fizz out now and leave dregs of monotony in its wake? I can't understand it then, and still don't.

But that's probably because I don't see the entire picture. I doubt anyone ever would while we are still trapped in earthbound bodies. One thing keeps me going: Jesus has said, "follow me". I know I have to heed and obey, even when it hurts, or when sacrifices are called for.

What really matters

Didn't get to sleep last night, must have been the tea I had with my adopted parents at dinnertime. Kept turning and tossing on my bed, my mindgoing through the events of the day and the more I think about it, the more I feel I should do something.

Anyways, the day started with me doing the groceries early in the morning. My entire family - mom, brother, sis-in-law, niece - is down with high fever. So that means the responsibility falls on me to run the household for the time being. I stuffed the fridge with enough food for a week (since I will be away for work during the long weekend), and instructed our maid on meals, medication for the sick, cleanliness, etc, etc.

Then I personally inspected each one of them (family members) before going to work. I didn't even have time to run my own errands at the bank.

Oh yeah, my main contention is with the work I am doing. Not the fact that I should work, but the kind of work involved. It just sucks up too much of my time (and energy), and leaves me little precious time (ie, just before I sleep, right after I wake up & stolen toilet moments) to read. It's taking me three days to get halfway through "The Trivialisation of God", which happens to be fairly easy-reading material too.

It didn't help when my adopted father commented that my work "controls me". I know he is right, but to put some perspective in there, I have to consider the season of life God has me in. Some 'divine tweaking' is probably needed in the general area of my commitment. It may have been good enough for me, but God has a higher purpose. I can't claim to know what it is, but I trust Him.

So I am back to the grind.

One thing keeps thumping my thoughts. That one's gifting doesn't necessarily commensurate with one's calling. Paul (of the Bible) is my model. I mean, this guy sat at the feet of Gamaliel, and back in his days, that would be equivalent to two doctorates. And what did Paul end up doing? Sewing tents to survive his nomadic lifestyle. I think of the pastor who works part-time as a gas attendant; my godpa who gave up his job as vice-president of a financial group to attend to the needs of the poor and stricken; my many friends who gave up status, power and prestige to serve others in lowly-esteemed positions.

What is evident is not their sacrifice, but their love.

But, I say to myself, I have done those things too. I have sacrificed, abandoned my life to God; He's done quite a few miraculous things with it and ... what's next? What do I do with a "post-cross-cultural missionary" lifestyle?

I don't think there are easy answers. Simple maybe, but not easy. Sure, gloss it over with the "wait for God's timing", "you are a missionary wherever you are placed" talk and all that comes along with it. But memories don't die. The taste of the goodness of God while living on the edge of faith... sears like a hot branding iron in my soul. And it hurts. It hurts because it has receded into the recesses of memory, to be recalled merely as stories of the past.

However, if faith is a continuim, it has to be able to hold up to the different changes in every stage of life. I dunno how I am faring with the changes, and honestly I don't really care anymore. Have other issues to deal with, like how would I live my life today to maximise it for God's kingdom?


When it's all been said and done
There is just one thing that matters
Did I do my best to live for Truth
Did I life my life for You

When it's all been said and done
All my treasures will mean nothing
Only what I've done for Love's reward
Will stand the test of time

Lord Your mercy is so great
That you see beyond my weakness
And find purest gold in miry clay
Making sinners into saints

I will always sing Your praise
Here on earth and ever after
For You've shown me heaven's my true home
When it's all been said and done
You're my Life when life is gone.

When It's All Said and Done
(Jim Cowan)