Season of (Dis)Content

So. I was murmuring about how much I had to put into my work, mostly the energy-sapping long hours and how I found it impossible to hold a thought - much less write - when my brain happened to be so chocked-full with one task after another; and my body taxed to its hilt almost everyday.

I also mentioned about discerning the season of life I happen to be in.

Put those two together and what comes up (besides a premature senior moment due to brain overuse) ... is a sense of extreme tiredness and a realisation that "hey, I oughta be content even when my limbs threathen to fall off with one more activity, and especially more so when I start to entertain the idea of marriage as a free meal ticket..."

I can tell you why anyone who won't work shouldn't eat. I could also rationalise why too much work is detrimental. I could go on and on about the importance of balancing the two... but honestly, I find myself sufficiently deficient in that area, especially now. Perhaps I am too physically tired, perhaps I have grown jaded. Perhaps I have been discouraged too often. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps...

A gnawing thought creeps in uninvited, thudding like a drum repertoire frenzy: Give thanks in all situations... contentment with godliness is great gain... be content in lack and in abundance...

Waitaminute. I had not been content. I clung to memories, hoping to relive them to satisfy my own desire for significance, in which the meaning and purpose of my life were tightly entwined. And like an anaemic carrot, they hover around my straying thoughts, slowly casting a shroud of discontent.

I looked back at my past and wonder why my life stopped at 31. Did I pack too much in before that? Is it gonna fizz out now and leave dregs of monotony in its wake? I can't understand it then, and still don't.

But that's probably because I don't see the entire picture. I doubt anyone ever would while we are still trapped in earthbound bodies. One thing keeps me going: Jesus has said, "follow me". I know I have to heed and obey, even when it hurts, or when sacrifices are called for.