Hope

Hope is a good thing... perhaps the best of things. And no good thing ever dies...
(Frank Darabont, screenplay of The Shawshank Redemption - 1995)


Several things happened yesterday:
1. I had a discussion with someone about producing a feature film documentary.
2. I met up with my friends from Wycliffe, who have moved on from OM.
3. I also met my senior from The Star, who urged me to return to journalism.

Immediately after #1, my heart soared with possibilities. Ideas were beckoning from the back of my mind... but I was still cautious (didn't want to be hurt / disappointed / disillusioned again).

Then #3 happened. My heart did a little number again, but it was not as high as what happened in #1. My senior (I keep calling her that because she was my "babysitter" whilst I was a rookie reporter doing the court beat) hadn't seen me in 10 years. She's now Asst. News Editor and kept urging me to go back to journalism. Wow... another skip.

By the time #2 occurred, it was already w-a-y into the night. I spent the evening with a friend who worked in the Doulos pantry with me. Back then, we had lots of fun learning the ropes of evangelism (and pantrydom), conquering our fears, struggling to give up our rights and to prefer others. Tough but critical issues. This friend is now overseas with Wycliffe, still undergoing life's struggles but has grown to tackle them as they come. I am so proud of her. She came back with a future husband in tow too... great going!

So what's that got to do with hope?

Plenty.

After three years of not knowing what to do with my life, I was basically on the verge of losing hope. In God's plan, in my confidence, in the future. I thought I was a has-been, despite all the assurance God has said in His word. I began to doubt because God was silent on those matters. I began to think that He has forgotten me. (I tried to be content in that but somehow it oscillates between coming across as something self-manufactured and a rested confidence...) I see my friends, peers, mentors and 'mentees' moving on in ministry, work and basically life in general and I am happy for them. It is a genuine kind of happiness, but joy was elusive.

Back to hope.

I told my friend that I see this period as a testing time for me. God is working on my charatcer and I don't understand what He is doing. (Not that He consults me or lays out the entire blueprint, you know). I am the type who would find it easier to fight the enemy in the battlefield than stay at home. So I reckoned, God is zeroing in on my weakest point (dread of boredoom) and perhaps wrenching out the dregs of carnal flesh so it can be used later. The entire problem is - it's SO DARN HARD to allow that to happen! I don't want to go through this process! I want an instant solution! Aaaargh!

Yet, hope makes things easier. Somehow the sky seems brighter on a starless night, and the world seems larger in a prison room. And hope makes possible what is presently perceived. I can dare to hope again...



Help, Lord Jesus, to catch me at times when hope falters and I despair.