Big Bang... not!

Most things oughta start with a bang, like say, the universe (according to some) or maybe something on a simpler scale such as a nice, cozy birthday celebration with a small element of surprise. I am afraid, however, my foray - if you can call it that - to the blogsphere started as anything but loud. As it is, I am now half-drugged from heavy medication, have wobbly knees and aching joints, but still decided, heck, let's just blog before my brain rots. Having your brain dulled by drugs is a tragic thing, I can't even start to describe the despair and helplessness involved. Where the world passes you by in parallel and time is of little consequence. Where dreams and reality mesh to form some kind of wretched limbo. And... when a voice trapped inside you screams to be let out, yet forced to remain in a faceless, blurred, wasted existence. Brrrrgh!

Anyways, after all that, I guess deep down I am just afraid to lose my freedoom, both to think and move. Which brings me to the next subject. Since our lives are governed by one kind of fear or another, it's either to cope or cop (out). Picking the path of least-resistance may sound attractive, but how long is that gonna last? To cope may mean paying a price but finally manipulating your fears to a manageable level. Great mid-term solution (in fact, it might graduate to a secure lifelong plan) but then wouldn't life be structured, calculated, devoid of spontaniety and... sterile?

Me? I choose neither. I would like to imagine myself the swashbuckler without a care in the world, travelling across God's planet and making friends along the way. Yeah sure, I have issues with death, illness, dementia, being wounded, violated and all that comes along with the territory. But I also know that with my current ongoing relationship with Jesus, I have an ally, and the freedom, to stare at these predators at their faces.

So, let them come.


"Small chance of success... certain likelihood of death... what are we waiting for?" --Gimli as reported saying in "The Lord of the Rings - Return of the King".