Day 5 (Dec 31)
9.00am - wokeup & breakfast
9.30am - reading
11.00m - cleanup
11.30am - talk to Crys
1.00pm - Lunch
Things are winding down on the last day of my self-imposed retreat. All things unchanged, I have reached a decision. I am not going to Colorado Springs. I gotta write to tell the missions organisation that they can stop talking to their lawyers and accountants, stop working on the work permit, and stop making queries to the US immigration and Malaysian US Consulate. And they can keep the company car too. In a way I feel bad I have to tell them this - what a damper on all the buildup over the past few weeks.
But I believe it is the right decision.
CONCLUSION
The basis of the decision did not hinge upon the cost of going, where the funds would come from, whether my health could take it, how much I would be "missed" by family and friends, or any personal cost of such a move. I guess I am never much of a practical person when it comes to these details.
The sole basis of my decision is the belief that God has called me to study and teach His word. I am not called to any geographical location nor to any particular people. I am just called to be faithful in doing what I feel is of most importance right now. And despite being fortunate enough to have been gifted in several areas, I see the most valuable and critical contribution in studying, teaching and expounding doctrine of instruction to body of believers. It hasn't been so clear until now.
So I will stay and continue to freelance and also integrate witness and work. And trust a trustworthy God Who provided and continues to do so.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Retreat Journal 4
Day 4 (30 Dec)
7.45am - Wokeup
8.30am - Swimming
9.40am - Breakfast (leftover noodles from previous dinner)
10.15am - Leave for church
1.00pm thereabouts - Lunch
5.15pm - Returned from long lunch
6.20pm - Leave for dinner
8.00pm - Dinner
12.00am (31 Dec) - Returned from dinner
Today's sermon was about the making of vows. Actually I had no intention of going to church this week, but due to the outworking of circumstances, I found myself at the service. Back to making vows - the last vow I made with God was one of a bargaining nature. Out of desperation being stranded alone outside the Indira Ghandi airport in New Delhi in the thick of the 1996 winter, I struck a deal with God. I said if He would "save my entire family", I would go wherever He sends me.
One year later I left for the Doulos, and subsequently to a 2-year commitment with Operation Moilisation.
Two years after I made the vow, my parents and late maternal granny was saved within two weeks of each other. Granny wanted to be baptised immediately!
CONCLUSION
God definitely kept His end of the bargain, although it was me who had the gall / foolhardiness to approach Him dictating my own terms in my vow. He is Creator and yet He "layan-ed" (entertained) such ridiculous arrogance from a creature. I am just like a flower that is here today and gone tomorrow. The more I realise my insistent candour, the more I am grateful for His grace... one just needs to look at the children of Israel who perished in the desert to appreciate the longsuffering patience of God.
I think God would want me to make a decision that best reflects His character in Philippians 2:6 - 8. If I would allow God to crucify me without pity, He can raise me beyond measure (v 9). I pray He will make me lose taste / yearning for the things of this world; and long for the things of eternity. I pray to be kept sane / hidden until the day arrives. I pray that more than just doing His work on earth, I will grow to love Him more and more as the Worthy One.
7.45am - Wokeup
8.30am - Swimming
9.40am - Breakfast (leftover noodles from previous dinner)
10.15am - Leave for church
1.00pm thereabouts - Lunch
5.15pm - Returned from long lunch
6.20pm - Leave for dinner
8.00pm - Dinner
12.00am (31 Dec) - Returned from dinner
Today's sermon was about the making of vows. Actually I had no intention of going to church this week, but due to the outworking of circumstances, I found myself at the service. Back to making vows - the last vow I made with God was one of a bargaining nature. Out of desperation being stranded alone outside the Indira Ghandi airport in New Delhi in the thick of the 1996 winter, I struck a deal with God. I said if He would "save my entire family", I would go wherever He sends me.
One year later I left for the Doulos, and subsequently to a 2-year commitment with Operation Moilisation.
Two years after I made the vow, my parents and late maternal granny was saved within two weeks of each other. Granny wanted to be baptised immediately!
CONCLUSION
God definitely kept His end of the bargain, although it was me who had the gall / foolhardiness to approach Him dictating my own terms in my vow. He is Creator and yet He "layan-ed" (entertained) such ridiculous arrogance from a creature. I am just like a flower that is here today and gone tomorrow. The more I realise my insistent candour, the more I am grateful for His grace... one just needs to look at the children of Israel who perished in the desert to appreciate the longsuffering patience of God.
I think God would want me to make a decision that best reflects His character in Philippians 2:6 - 8. If I would allow God to crucify me without pity, He can raise me beyond measure (v 9). I pray He will make me lose taste / yearning for the things of this world; and long for the things of eternity. I pray to be kept sane / hidden until the day arrives. I pray that more than just doing His work on earth, I will grow to love Him more and more as the Worthy One.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Retreat Journal 3
Day 3 (29th Dec)
8.00am - wokeup
8.30am - trapped inside the condo unit because Crystal mistakenly took my set of keys
9.00am - started to worship on the piano
9.30am - Crystal returned and I went swimming
10.30am - Cooked pasta brunch
11.30am - Reading Tozer and NKJV
11.45am - Worship on piano
4.35pm - Finished worshipping on piano. 2nd attempt at reading...
6.10pm - Going for dinner at godbrother's house
I did not have any 'great revelation' today; I merely worshipped the Lord with my instrument. I have almost forgotten what a divine privilege this is. There was no constraint of time, of being watched... or anything else. It is just God and myself. He alone is great and worthy.
I had tried to read all afternoon, but somehow my mind got so distracted. I was just drawn to the piano. Once my fingers hit the keyboard, the rest was history. I didn't realise the passage of time until it was... 4.30pm! Aaaaaaaaaaarggggggggghhh!!!!!!!
CONCLUSION
Seeing the day not over yet, I will say it is still early to sum up. Initial thoughts - Apart from God nothing matters. Nothing, not fame, status, relationship, health, money, security in houses, cars, etc... not even civilisations or empires can stand the ravages of time. All will lapse in the light of eternity. One by one, we will slip into eternity and nothing... NOTHING that we have built or achieved will stand, apart from the stuff done in obedience to God.
Then... am I living in obedience? Am I being a true disciple? Are the things of the world losing their value in my esteem? If so, then do I have the inner peace and a calm rest that characterised the saints of God? Is my life one that is self-denying (at the parts that matter) and God-pleasing? Can God have His way in me? Will I allow Him to crucify me without pity so that he can raise me up without measure?
Ah.... life and its endless quest for the Almighty!
8.00am - wokeup
8.30am - trapped inside the condo unit because Crystal mistakenly took my set of keys
9.00am - started to worship on the piano
9.30am - Crystal returned and I went swimming
10.30am - Cooked pasta brunch
11.30am - Reading Tozer and NKJV
11.45am - Worship on piano
4.35pm - Finished worshipping on piano. 2nd attempt at reading...
6.10pm - Going for dinner at godbrother's house
I did not have any 'great revelation' today; I merely worshipped the Lord with my instrument. I have almost forgotten what a divine privilege this is. There was no constraint of time, of being watched... or anything else. It is just God and myself. He alone is great and worthy.
I had tried to read all afternoon, but somehow my mind got so distracted. I was just drawn to the piano. Once my fingers hit the keyboard, the rest was history. I didn't realise the passage of time until it was... 4.30pm! Aaaaaaaaaaarggggggggghhh!!!!!!!
CONCLUSION
Seeing the day not over yet, I will say it is still early to sum up. Initial thoughts - Apart from God nothing matters. Nothing, not fame, status, relationship, health, money, security in houses, cars, etc... not even civilisations or empires can stand the ravages of time. All will lapse in the light of eternity. One by one, we will slip into eternity and nothing... NOTHING that we have built or achieved will stand, apart from the stuff done in obedience to God.
Then... am I living in obedience? Am I being a true disciple? Are the things of the world losing their value in my esteem? If so, then do I have the inner peace and a calm rest that characterised the saints of God? Is my life one that is self-denying (at the parts that matter) and God-pleasing? Can God have His way in me? Will I allow Him to crucify me without pity so that he can raise me up without measure?
Ah.... life and its endless quest for the Almighty!
Friday, December 28, 2007
Retreat Journal 2
Retreat Day 2 (28th Dec)
8am - Wokeup
9am - Meditation
1pm - Lunch
3pm - 7pm - Last minute shopping for presents
7pm - Dinner
9pm - 10.30pm - Email and blogging
What makes a true disciple? The one who sees the Lamb who was slain (Rev 5:6) seated on the right hand of God, and will follow Him everywhere He goes.
Christ was crucified entirely - from head to toe. There is not one part of Him that did not go to cross. And He did it for me. For me. FOR ME.
CONCLUSION
If I can help it, I won't want to carry my cross. But Jesus requires it. It may not be the same magnitude as His cross, coz His burden for me is light and His yoke easy. I have it good. The path ahead may be fraught with dangers and suffering, and there is always fear at the door waiting to creep in to arrest the soul. Can't give in. Got to cling on to a trustworthy God Who says He cares and has overcome all that is necessary for my victory.
8am - Wokeup
9am - Meditation
1pm - Lunch
3pm - 7pm - Last minute shopping for presents
7pm - Dinner
9pm - 10.30pm - Email and blogging
What makes a true disciple? The one who sees the Lamb who was slain (Rev 5:6) seated on the right hand of God, and will follow Him everywhere He goes.
Christ was crucified entirely - from head to toe. There is not one part of Him that did not go to cross. And He did it for me. For me. FOR ME.
CONCLUSION
If I can help it, I won't want to carry my cross. But Jesus requires it. It may not be the same magnitude as His cross, coz His burden for me is light and His yoke easy. I have it good. The path ahead may be fraught with dangers and suffering, and there is always fear at the door waiting to creep in to arrest the soul. Can't give in. Got to cling on to a trustworthy God Who says He cares and has overcome all that is necessary for my victory.
Retreat Journal 1
Why a retreat?
Reason #1: Need an answer on a decision, in particular - is God really calling me to CO Springs?
Reason #2: Need respite from people in my house
Reason #3: Need respite from year-end madness
reason #4: Need direction for life
Pre-Retreat Day (26th Dec 2007)
Returned from Christmas party the night before. Took the LRT to Asia Jaya from Wangsa Maju. Stoned and groggy from lack of sleep the last couple days. The last of Christmas activities is over... finally I can concentrate on the retreat.
4pm - Went out with May to Curve and 1U... chilling out.
10pm - Arrived at Crystal's and settled in.
11.30pm - Read John Piper's "Marks of a leader" and Point #9 on the grave responsibility of a bible teacher cut me like a razor-sharp stone. (Hmmm... could something be brewing here...?)
Retreat Day 1 (27th Dec)
Finished reading John Stott's "Calling Christian Leaders" and his exposition on 1 Cor 3:12 - 14. Here is what I understand: The foundation of the church is Christ. Then the building is built either with gold, silver, etc... or with hay, wood and straw. Gold and the like are likened to true doctrine taught; and the straw stuff is anything short of balanced theology and pure doctrine. Depending on what is taught, it will affect the church eternally - for good or otherwise.
Which brings me to these questions:
What am I building with?
What are my motives?
CONCLUSION:
God has called me to teach and be a steward of His holy Word. It is a weighty responsibility and I am held in serious accountability.
Reason #1: Need an answer on a decision, in particular - is God really calling me to CO Springs?
Reason #2: Need respite from people in my house
Reason #3: Need respite from year-end madness
reason #4: Need direction for life
Pre-Retreat Day (26th Dec 2007)
Returned from Christmas party the night before. Took the LRT to Asia Jaya from Wangsa Maju. Stoned and groggy from lack of sleep the last couple days. The last of Christmas activities is over... finally I can concentrate on the retreat.
4pm - Went out with May to Curve and 1U... chilling out.
10pm - Arrived at Crystal's and settled in.
11.30pm - Read John Piper's "Marks of a leader" and Point #9 on the grave responsibility of a bible teacher cut me like a razor-sharp stone. (Hmmm... could something be brewing here...?)
Retreat Day 1 (27th Dec)
Finished reading John Stott's "Calling Christian Leaders" and his exposition on 1 Cor 3:12 - 14. Here is what I understand: The foundation of the church is Christ. Then the building is built either with gold, silver, etc... or with hay, wood and straw. Gold and the like are likened to true doctrine taught; and the straw stuff is anything short of balanced theology and pure doctrine. Depending on what is taught, it will affect the church eternally - for good or otherwise.
Which brings me to these questions:
What am I building with?
What are my motives?
CONCLUSION:
God has called me to teach and be a steward of His holy Word. It is a weighty responsibility and I am held in serious accountability.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
