Retreat Journal 5

Day 5 (Dec 31)

9.00am - wokeup & breakfast

9.30am - reading

11.00m - cleanup

11.30am - talk to Crys

1.00pm - Lunch

Things are winding down on the last day of my self-imposed retreat. All things unchanged, I have reached a decision. I am not going to Colorado Springs. I gotta write to tell the missions organisation that they can stop talking to their lawyers and accountants, stop working on the work permit, and stop making queries to the US immigration and Malaysian US Consulate. And they can keep the company car too. In a way I feel bad I have to tell them this - what a damper on all the buildup over the past few weeks.

But I believe it is the right decision.

CONCLUSION
The basis of the decision did not hinge upon the cost of going, where the funds would come from, whether my health could take it, how much I would be "missed" by family and friends, or any personal cost of such a move. I guess I am never much of a practical person when it comes to these details.

The sole basis of my decision is the belief that God has called me to study and teach His word. I am not called to any geographical location nor to any particular people. I am just called to be faithful in doing what I feel is of most importance right now. And despite being fortunate enough to have been gifted in several areas, I see the most valuable and critical contribution in studying, teaching and expounding doctrine of instruction to body of believers. It hasn't been so clear until now.

So I will stay and continue to freelance and also integrate witness and work. And trust a trustworthy God Who provided and continues to do so.

Retreat Journal 4

Day 4 (30 Dec)

7.45am - Wokeup

8.30am - Swimming

9.40am - Breakfast (leftover noodles from previous dinner)

10.15am - Leave for church

1.00pm thereabouts - Lunch

5.15pm - Returned from long lunch

6.20pm - Leave for dinner

8.00pm - Dinner

12.00am (31 Dec) - Returned from dinner


Today's sermon was about the making of vows. Actually I had no intention of going to church this week, but due to the outworking of circumstances, I found myself at the service. Back to making vows - the last vow I made with God was one of a bargaining nature. Out of desperation being stranded alone outside the Indira Ghandi airport in New Delhi in the thick of the 1996 winter, I struck a deal with God. I said if He would "save my entire family", I would go wherever He sends me.

One year later I left for the Doulos, and subsequently to a 2-year commitment with Operation Moilisation.

Two years after I made the vow, my parents and late maternal granny was saved within two weeks of each other. Granny wanted to be baptised immediately!


CONCLUSION
God definitely kept His end of the bargain, although it was me who had the gall / foolhardiness to approach Him dictating my own terms in my vow. He is Creator and yet He "layan-ed" (entertained) such ridiculous arrogance from a creature. I am just like a flower that is here today and gone tomorrow. The more I realise my insistent candour, the more I am grateful for His grace... one just needs to look at the children of Israel who perished in the desert to appreciate the longsuffering patience of God.

I think God would want me to make a decision that best reflects His character in Philippians 2:6 - 8. If I would allow God to crucify me without pity, He can raise me beyond measure (v 9). I pray He will make me lose taste / yearning for the things of this world; and long for the things of eternity. I pray to be kept sane / hidden until the day arrives. I pray that more than just doing His work on earth, I will grow to love Him more and more as the Worthy One.

Retreat Journal 3

Day 3 (29th Dec)

8.00am - wokeup

8.30am - trapped inside the condo unit because Crystal mistakenly took my set of keys

9.00am - started to worship on the piano

9.30am - Crystal returned and I went swimming

10.30am - Cooked pasta brunch

11.30am - Reading Tozer and NKJV

11.45am - Worship on piano

4.35pm - Finished worshipping on piano. 2nd attempt at reading...

6.10pm - Going for dinner at godbrother's house


I did not have any 'great revelation' today; I merely worshipped the Lord with my instrument. I have almost forgotten what a divine privilege this is. There was no constraint of time, of being watched... or anything else. It is just God and myself. He alone is great and worthy.

I had tried to read all afternoon, but somehow my mind got so distracted. I was just drawn to the piano. Once my fingers hit the keyboard, the rest was history. I didn't realise the passage of time until it was... 4.30pm! Aaaaaaaaaaarggggggggghhh!!!!!!!

CONCLUSION
Seeing the day not over yet, I will say it is still early to sum up. Initial thoughts - Apart from God nothing matters. Nothing, not fame, status, relationship, health, money, security in houses, cars, etc... not even civilisations or empires can stand the ravages of time. All will lapse in the light of eternity. One by one, we will slip into eternity and nothing... NOTHING that we have built or achieved will stand, apart from the stuff done in obedience to God.

Then... am I living in obedience? Am I being a true disciple? Are the things of the world losing their value in my esteem? If so, then do I have the inner peace and a calm rest that characterised the saints of God? Is my life one that is self-denying (at the parts that matter) and God-pleasing? Can God have His way in me? Will I allow Him to crucify me without pity so that he can raise me up without measure?

Ah.... life and its endless quest for the Almighty!

Retreat Journal 2

Retreat Day 2 (28th Dec)

8am - Wokeup

9am - Meditation

1pm - Lunch

3pm - 7pm - Last minute shopping for presents

7pm - Dinner

9pm - 10.30pm - Email and blogging


What makes a true disciple? The one who sees the Lamb who was slain (Rev 5:6) seated on the right hand of God, and will follow Him everywhere He goes.

Christ was crucified entirely - from head to toe. There is not one part of Him that did not go to cross. And He did it for me. For me. FOR ME.


CONCLUSION
If I can help it, I won't want to carry my cross. But Jesus requires it. It may not be the same magnitude as His cross, coz His burden for me is light and His yoke easy. I have it good. The path ahead may be fraught with dangers and suffering, and there is always fear at the door waiting to creep in to arrest the soul. Can't give in. Got to cling on to a trustworthy God Who says He cares and has overcome all that is necessary for my victory.

Retreat Journal 1

Why a retreat?

Reason #1: Need an answer on a decision, in particular - is God really calling me to CO Springs?
Reason #2: Need respite from people in my house
Reason #3: Need respite from year-end madness
reason #4: Need direction for life

Pre-Retreat Day (26th Dec 2007)
Returned from Christmas party the night before. Took the LRT to Asia Jaya from Wangsa Maju. Stoned and groggy from lack of sleep the last couple days. The last of Christmas activities is over... finally I can concentrate on the retreat.

4pm - Went out with May to Curve and 1U... chilling out.

10pm - Arrived at Crystal's and settled in.

11.30pm - Read John Piper's "Marks of a leader" and Point #9 on the grave responsibility of a bible teacher cut me like a razor-sharp stone. (Hmmm... could something be brewing here...?)




Retreat Day 1 (27th Dec)

Finished reading John Stott's "Calling Christian Leaders" and his exposition on 1 Cor 3:12 - 14. Here is what I understand: The foundation of the church is Christ. Then the building is built either with gold, silver, etc... or with hay, wood and straw. Gold and the like are likened to true doctrine taught; and the straw stuff is anything short of balanced theology and pure doctrine. Depending on what is taught, it will affect the church eternally - for good or otherwise.

Which brings me to these questions:

What am I building with?

What are my motives?



CONCLUSION:
God has called me to teach and be a steward of His holy Word. It is a weighty responsibility and I am held in serious accountability.

My Way or His Way

Life hardly goes the way it is expected, yeah? I am glad. Or else there will be very little room for adventure and anticipation.

The trip to Chiangmai had all the makings of a tour holiday - inland guided tours operated by agents, eating local food, getting around the city getting (partially) fleeced by songtheaw* drivers and wandering around the streets in a truly touristy manner clad in our bermudas and sneakers.

Lai Peng was the super tourist maxxing out on her time and budget. I was the laidback antagonist who wanted nothing better than just sitting down having a chat over a drink with anyone I could grab. Not such a fantastic combo. But we managed without tearing each other's hair out.

The highlight of the trip (actually it became a highlight only today, after the arrival of an email) was getting re-connected with a friend. My friend is a missionary whom I met 4 years ago while she was still attached to an organisation in KL. We met briefly, had a deep connection and parted ways when she went off to seminary and then abroad. We never kept in touch. Then, to my utter suprise, it turned out she was staying just a few doors away from my host in Chiangmai!

We exchanged stories and brought each other up to speed on our respective lives. We really only had a couple hours' worth of real conversation, as the rest of the trip had been one activity after another. Actually the trip had been good for me, I met so many missionaries and it really reminded me of the years I was doing cross-cultural missions abroad. I missed those times and yearned for them. In fact, I lived most of my years in KL after 2001 wanting to go back to the field and longed to "be of service to God" in that manner again. I saw myself as a field material person, and was already prepared to die in my assigned field.

But that was naught to be. At least not for now.

After I got back from Chiangmai, I received a missive from this friend. What she wrote really touched my heart in places I didn't expect. The email read:

" Dear Michelle, it was a real surprise to see you in Chiang Mai too. Now I really believe that God led us to know each other 4 years ago, and that was not a coincidence. Through your sharing it has brought me the confirmation that I am here is not for mistake. This is part of His divine plan in my life. Because recently I have been asking God that why am I here and is this is a mistake of my choice or....?????? Thanks Michelle for bringing the comfort for my heart."

Suffice to say, I have been challenged and silenced (again) by the quiet ways of the Lord. I had my mind and heart set on returning to the field, God showed me He had better use of me elsewhere - though He is not telling me where and when. Yet. It is a hard pill to swallow. It is not really that I should dictate terms in the service of God. It is His work, to be done His way, in His time and at His pleasure.


May we all, Lord, be found doing what gives You most pleasure.

Chiangmai

Yes, Chiangmai here we come! In less than 24 hours, LP and myself will be eating lunch there with our friend Elisha. Not really excited, but kinda looking forward to it. I would prefer a more relaxed break, but LP wants to do everything and anything within our 8-day trip. Oh well...

Things in the itinerary - trekking, temples, tribal visits, kayaking (?), eating, lepak-ing. At some point I would like to join the Wycliffe people and suss out their work too. We shall see. Elisha picks us up from the airport and the lepak-ing will start immediately.

Serious Blessing

When God blesses, the unbelievable happens.

Just Tuesday afternoon, a bright and sunny day at that, my friend Crystal called up and asked, "Hey, you wanna go Japan next week?" I went like, "Huh? You mean eat at a Japanese restaurant, right?" She said, "No. Do you want to go to Japan next week?"

I was still in a blur. I mean, how do you respond to a question like that? Besides, I was mired deep in work, re-drafting scripts and profiles, cooking, going to the wet market, doing the housewife gig...sigh.

"So do you want to go or not?" Crystal jolted me back into reality... "We can go watch the premiere of Pirates of the Carribean 3!"

"What??????" I almost shouted over the phone. "Premiere? In Tokyo? Holy Flip! YES!!!"

Turned out Crystal won the grand prize of the Buena Vista-Channel V contest, so both of us are going to the Nippon Budokan to watch Pirates 3, all expenses paid plus Tokyo tour thrown in and meeting the filmmakers and actors in person. Wow!

All that happened at 3pm. Ninety minutes later, I was the last person at the immigration counter renewing my passport. I was 5 minutes late and had to plead and beg them to process my passport that day itself. They did. Then it was a flurry of activities to apply for the visa, plan the trip, reschedule my work, etc etc.

I didn't sleep much for the next two days. This is a serious blessing from God. The visa didn't cost me anything, I discovered Disney has sponsored the entire trip and we needn't worry about a thing! The package tour included accommodation at the 5-Star New Otani Hotel, a day's tour of the city and of course, the red carpet premiere with the main cast of Pirates along with moghul producer Jerry Bruckheimer. Then there is the River Cruise Dinner after the premiere! The entire trip would have cost us more than RM9k each and now we are only paying RM700++ per pax for the airport tax and insurance!

I think I can die.

Just the last couple months there has been steadily mounting pressure from home. Mom fell sick and slipped into hyperchondria, my family seemed to be falling apart in terms of communication and getting along with each other. I started to take care of my mom and to cook. Dad's temper grew from worse to intolerable. Everyone had extra things to do and we are not really taking it too gallantly, I admit. Just when things threathened to boil over, Japan burst into the scene.

My take? God knows our needs, and He knows how much we can take. He knows what we are made of. Just as I was about to break, God came in with a wonderful, unexpected surprise in the form this trip. How He cares! There is no doubt that His hand is in my life - through the crappy times and the good ones. I serve a wonderful, caring and intimate God Who cares deeply and gives the right gifts at the right time.

So now I am furiously printing namecards (gotta pass one to Bruckheimer when I get the chance!), changing money, getting my work stuff outta the way so I can go next week! Not planning to buy anything coz it is too expensive, but definitely gonna take loads of pictures!

How we wish our friends Ivy and Gracey can come with us too!!!!! (They had to work and there were only tickets for two). But they wished us well and asked us to buy a tonne of stuff for them when are there. :)

So there! In less than 48 hours we would be onna plane heading East. Excited. But still got work finish off... and people to meet before flying off.

Life is good.

Because God is great.

Gluttony to the maxx!

"What's so great about Sitiawan that you'ld go there twice in 3 months?" a friend asked.

Now here is a question I half-expect, especially from urbanite friends who would think the only thing notable about that settlement near the coast is their birdnest trade. Actually birdnest is only one of the many food products this enterprising community came up with over the years.

There are the famous Kampung Koh chilly sauce, mee sua and soy sauce to name a few. So when we went up to Gracey's house to continue our erm... "Makansutra" escapade during last Chinese New Year, we made sure we emptied our stomachs for the long haul eating session.

Crystal and I took a bus up to the Sitiawan bus stop, where Gracey was supposeda pick us. However before she could arrive, we already crossed the street to check out the Cendol stall before it closed for the day. And it was a good thing too, because we just managed to get the last bowl of special Cendol with glutinous rice. Phew...

Then it was eating, eating and eating all day long for the next two days, even when we arrived at Ivy's house in nearby Teluk Intan. Words exhaust me, but suffice to say that we were disgustingly, shamelessly fed, and fed well too. Of course, other than eating we saw some sights... the ahem, Leaning Tower of Teluk Intan (pix) happened to be one of them.

































Anyway, we we really delighted to find the friendly neighbourhood ice-cream man peddling his ware! Haven't seen this kinda sight for like... more than 2 decades!!!! We all stuffed faces with double-scooped ice-cream in between our eating sessions.






















And after all that eating, Gracey and I burped in satisfaction... while waiting for the next meal.