Waiting

I am blown away.

After being "highly recommended" by a friend to be the Asst. to the President in this missions publishing organisation in Colorado Springs, USA, my weekend turned into a roller coaster ride!

First there was the enthusiasm of my friend who of course, to some degree rubbed off on me. Secondly, I had to reply the query from CO Springs and renovate my CV to be sent off. But mostly, it was the intrusion of my home routine that shattered my momentum. I had been at home 6 years, all these while wishing I would somehow be out in global missions again. I had sunk deeper and deeper in the freelance work-church searching quagmire. I had lived for the future all these years - waiting, hoping, praying for the ONE chance to get myself into missions once again. And then I arrived at some conclusion... I had almost given up hope. I had decided to "be all here" back home. I had decided to be centered. Mebbe I am supposed to be spending the remainder of my life back home in a limbo. Mebbe all that God had done and invested in me are meant to be lived in obscurity back home. Sigh...

Suddenly KAPOW! Co Springs happened.

My radar started to light up. Is this a calling? Being assistant to the President is certainly not a job for the unfettered and frisky me, but the other opening of Writer / Editor post is right up my alley. Dare I hope again?

So the weekend was spent thinking, praying, wondering. Mostly wondering. I sent in my CV, it was the most honest and lucid one I authored. I wanted to debunk any myths about me being over-qualified just in case my friend had oversold me. It is better to come clean on the onset than allow people to second-guess.

Close friends (people who know me, me) expressed caution. They feel an ENFP like me should be working directly with people and ideas. For me, the matter is out of my hands. I am praying that if it be God's will, that He opens the doors. If not, then I am happy to take 'no' for an answer.

Waiting.

Chiangmai

Yes, Chiangmai here we come! In less than 24 hours, LP and myself will be eating lunch there with our friend Elisha. Not really excited, but kinda looking forward to it. I would prefer a more relaxed break, but LP wants to do everything and anything within our 8-day trip. Oh well...

Things in the itinerary - trekking, temples, tribal visits, kayaking (?), eating, lepak-ing. At some point I would like to join the Wycliffe people and suss out their work too. We shall see. Elisha picks us up from the airport and the lepak-ing will start immediately.

One Trip Too Many...?

I finally did it.

Told Sook Ching I am willing to be part of the November Myanmar mission trip should anyone drops out. Should that come to pass, this will be my 2nd short-term mission trip, and fourth trip abroad this year! Shikes... no wonder I am broke! Anyway, no one has dropped out yet, so I am kinda "safe" for the moment.

Been re-reading Tozer's "Born After Midnight". Great stuff. Tells you how you are the sum of all your voluntary thoughts, ie, thoughts that come to mind when you are free to think of whatever you want. How astute.

I've been thinking a lot about life. The brevity of it. And lately, I just can't seem to focus my thoughts on God, especially after the "drugging session" of two weeks staying in bed due to the flu. I was so zonked that I could not really orientate my mind to the stuff at hand, even a week after stopping the antibiotics. This is terrible. They should ban those stuff, or shoot people who propagate them!

So here I am back to the grind... Bible study classes every weekend, a wedding coming up, stories to finish, people to catch up with and... housechores! Dreaming of settling down in Toronto, walking down Younge St and generally vegging out.

I miss my friends in Toronto, Vancouver, Virginia. England. Nepal. I miss those heady missions days. I miss backpacking. Miss throwing caution to the wind and packing up at a moment's notice. Miss the first flush of wonder at the discovery of a new place. Night busses. Hostel lockers. Friendly strangers.

God! Is this what happens at mid-life????

Mission team to...?

Ok. Here is the question... do I lead a mission team to Thailand, Myanmar, Vietnam or rural Malaysia in July?

The "spiritual" answer: Pray about it and let God decide.

The "carnal" answer: Look into affordability, the condition of my health and what kinda job opportunities that would be foregone.

My answer: I dunno. For the moment.

The team participants will consist mostly internationals and the assignment is a two-week outreach in any of the countries designated above. And if I don't know Operation Mobilisation any better, I would be thinking it would be a guided mission tour. However, experience strongly attest to the contrary - with nights out in the open airports in the bitter cold, missed trains, busses, non-existent time to prepare programs (hence the flexibility to "just wing it" is a great asset), and tendency to gravitate towards Murphy's Law - anything that goes wrong WILL go wrong.

So it never ceased to amaze me how our human foibles can actually accomplish God's plans. I mean, He doesn't wait for us to get it right... and in fact, He often times lets us get it totally wrong... so that His marvels can be shown. Hey, let no flesh glory in the work of God, man!

So I have no idea what my team is gonna be like. I have no inkling what the schedules are, nor what I will be in for during the three weeks (one-week conference + two weeks' outreach) in July. But hey, God has not let me down yet, and I know He never will. Whatever the future's gonna hold for this team of His is anyone's guess. But I have a strong feeling that someone will be touched, changed and challenged to consider world missions as their path for life.

And that is why I am going.

Sulking Corner

Went for the OM meeting and I probably never felt so ...disappointed... in a long time. Because my plans and expectations were not met. Frustrated because whilst I had "put my life on hold" all these years in view of going out again, I find the doors still firmly shut. Angry because nothing is going the way I hoped it would.

Nat threw a tantrum again today, because she wasn't allowed to go out with her mom to the shops. She cried and cried and when that didn't work, she turned around and demanded to have 'substitutes' in place of the thing she was denied. And to state a fact, everyone knows my niece takes after me very closely in temperament. She's definitely a female Chan.

I see a mirror image of myself as I observe her nonsense. Only difference is that we live 30 years apart.

I was so disturbed yesterday. I could not believe God would close the doors. Of course I knew He must have a better plan, a more important job for me here, or mebbe I am just not the person for that "mission job" out there. But honestly, I find it hard to accept that in His time and in His way He will reveal. Still I could not understand why, I could not wait, I wanted an explanation... and I demanded a 'substitute' where I spelt out the terms.

What cheek.

And I wonder why God doesn't speak to me? Why He is silent?


Surrender is so hard for the strong-willed.




Today's reading: Gen 32:22 - 32