Sulking Corner

Went for the OM meeting and I probably never felt so ...disappointed... in a long time. Because my plans and expectations were not met. Frustrated because whilst I had "put my life on hold" all these years in view of going out again, I find the doors still firmly shut. Angry because nothing is going the way I hoped it would.

Nat threw a tantrum again today, because she wasn't allowed to go out with her mom to the shops. She cried and cried and when that didn't work, she turned around and demanded to have 'substitutes' in place of the thing she was denied. And to state a fact, everyone knows my niece takes after me very closely in temperament. She's definitely a female Chan.

I see a mirror image of myself as I observe her nonsense. Only difference is that we live 30 years apart.

I was so disturbed yesterday. I could not believe God would close the doors. Of course I knew He must have a better plan, a more important job for me here, or mebbe I am just not the person for that "mission job" out there. But honestly, I find it hard to accept that in His time and in His way He will reveal. Still I could not understand why, I could not wait, I wanted an explanation... and I demanded a 'substitute' where I spelt out the terms.

What cheek.

And I wonder why God doesn't speak to me? Why He is silent?


Surrender is so hard for the strong-willed.




Today's reading: Gen 32:22 - 32