Retreat Journal 5

Day 5 (Dec 31)

9.00am - wokeup & breakfast

9.30am - reading

11.00m - cleanup

11.30am - talk to Crys

1.00pm - Lunch

Things are winding down on the last day of my self-imposed retreat. All things unchanged, I have reached a decision. I am not going to Colorado Springs. I gotta write to tell the missions organisation that they can stop talking to their lawyers and accountants, stop working on the work permit, and stop making queries to the US immigration and Malaysian US Consulate. And they can keep the company car too. In a way I feel bad I have to tell them this - what a damper on all the buildup over the past few weeks.

But I believe it is the right decision.

CONCLUSION
The basis of the decision did not hinge upon the cost of going, where the funds would come from, whether my health could take it, how much I would be "missed" by family and friends, or any personal cost of such a move. I guess I am never much of a practical person when it comes to these details.

The sole basis of my decision is the belief that God has called me to study and teach His word. I am not called to any geographical location nor to any particular people. I am just called to be faithful in doing what I feel is of most importance right now. And despite being fortunate enough to have been gifted in several areas, I see the most valuable and critical contribution in studying, teaching and expounding doctrine of instruction to body of believers. It hasn't been so clear until now.

So I will stay and continue to freelance and also integrate witness and work. And trust a trustworthy God Who provided and continues to do so.

Retreat Journal 4

Day 4 (30 Dec)

7.45am - Wokeup

8.30am - Swimming

9.40am - Breakfast (leftover noodles from previous dinner)

10.15am - Leave for church

1.00pm thereabouts - Lunch

5.15pm - Returned from long lunch

6.20pm - Leave for dinner

8.00pm - Dinner

12.00am (31 Dec) - Returned from dinner


Today's sermon was about the making of vows. Actually I had no intention of going to church this week, but due to the outworking of circumstances, I found myself at the service. Back to making vows - the last vow I made with God was one of a bargaining nature. Out of desperation being stranded alone outside the Indira Ghandi airport in New Delhi in the thick of the 1996 winter, I struck a deal with God. I said if He would "save my entire family", I would go wherever He sends me.

One year later I left for the Doulos, and subsequently to a 2-year commitment with Operation Moilisation.

Two years after I made the vow, my parents and late maternal granny was saved within two weeks of each other. Granny wanted to be baptised immediately!


CONCLUSION
God definitely kept His end of the bargain, although it was me who had the gall / foolhardiness to approach Him dictating my own terms in my vow. He is Creator and yet He "layan-ed" (entertained) such ridiculous arrogance from a creature. I am just like a flower that is here today and gone tomorrow. The more I realise my insistent candour, the more I am grateful for His grace... one just needs to look at the children of Israel who perished in the desert to appreciate the longsuffering patience of God.

I think God would want me to make a decision that best reflects His character in Philippians 2:6 - 8. If I would allow God to crucify me without pity, He can raise me beyond measure (v 9). I pray He will make me lose taste / yearning for the things of this world; and long for the things of eternity. I pray to be kept sane / hidden until the day arrives. I pray that more than just doing His work on earth, I will grow to love Him more and more as the Worthy One.

Retreat Journal 3

Day 3 (29th Dec)

8.00am - wokeup

8.30am - trapped inside the condo unit because Crystal mistakenly took my set of keys

9.00am - started to worship on the piano

9.30am - Crystal returned and I went swimming

10.30am - Cooked pasta brunch

11.30am - Reading Tozer and NKJV

11.45am - Worship on piano

4.35pm - Finished worshipping on piano. 2nd attempt at reading...

6.10pm - Going for dinner at godbrother's house


I did not have any 'great revelation' today; I merely worshipped the Lord with my instrument. I have almost forgotten what a divine privilege this is. There was no constraint of time, of being watched... or anything else. It is just God and myself. He alone is great and worthy.

I had tried to read all afternoon, but somehow my mind got so distracted. I was just drawn to the piano. Once my fingers hit the keyboard, the rest was history. I didn't realise the passage of time until it was... 4.30pm! Aaaaaaaaaaarggggggggghhh!!!!!!!

CONCLUSION
Seeing the day not over yet, I will say it is still early to sum up. Initial thoughts - Apart from God nothing matters. Nothing, not fame, status, relationship, health, money, security in houses, cars, etc... not even civilisations or empires can stand the ravages of time. All will lapse in the light of eternity. One by one, we will slip into eternity and nothing... NOTHING that we have built or achieved will stand, apart from the stuff done in obedience to God.

Then... am I living in obedience? Am I being a true disciple? Are the things of the world losing their value in my esteem? If so, then do I have the inner peace and a calm rest that characterised the saints of God? Is my life one that is self-denying (at the parts that matter) and God-pleasing? Can God have His way in me? Will I allow Him to crucify me without pity so that he can raise me up without measure?

Ah.... life and its endless quest for the Almighty!

Retreat Journal 2

Retreat Day 2 (28th Dec)

8am - Wokeup

9am - Meditation

1pm - Lunch

3pm - 7pm - Last minute shopping for presents

7pm - Dinner

9pm - 10.30pm - Email and blogging


What makes a true disciple? The one who sees the Lamb who was slain (Rev 5:6) seated on the right hand of God, and will follow Him everywhere He goes.

Christ was crucified entirely - from head to toe. There is not one part of Him that did not go to cross. And He did it for me. For me. FOR ME.


CONCLUSION
If I can help it, I won't want to carry my cross. But Jesus requires it. It may not be the same magnitude as His cross, coz His burden for me is light and His yoke easy. I have it good. The path ahead may be fraught with dangers and suffering, and there is always fear at the door waiting to creep in to arrest the soul. Can't give in. Got to cling on to a trustworthy God Who says He cares and has overcome all that is necessary for my victory.

Retreat Journal 1

Why a retreat?

Reason #1: Need an answer on a decision, in particular - is God really calling me to CO Springs?
Reason #2: Need respite from people in my house
Reason #3: Need respite from year-end madness
reason #4: Need direction for life

Pre-Retreat Day (26th Dec 2007)
Returned from Christmas party the night before. Took the LRT to Asia Jaya from Wangsa Maju. Stoned and groggy from lack of sleep the last couple days. The last of Christmas activities is over... finally I can concentrate on the retreat.

4pm - Went out with May to Curve and 1U... chilling out.

10pm - Arrived at Crystal's and settled in.

11.30pm - Read John Piper's "Marks of a leader" and Point #9 on the grave responsibility of a bible teacher cut me like a razor-sharp stone. (Hmmm... could something be brewing here...?)




Retreat Day 1 (27th Dec)

Finished reading John Stott's "Calling Christian Leaders" and his exposition on 1 Cor 3:12 - 14. Here is what I understand: The foundation of the church is Christ. Then the building is built either with gold, silver, etc... or with hay, wood and straw. Gold and the like are likened to true doctrine taught; and the straw stuff is anything short of balanced theology and pure doctrine. Depending on what is taught, it will affect the church eternally - for good or otherwise.

Which brings me to these questions:

What am I building with?

What are my motives?



CONCLUSION:
God has called me to teach and be a steward of His holy Word. It is a weighty responsibility and I am held in serious accountability.

Waiting

I am blown away.

After being "highly recommended" by a friend to be the Asst. to the President in this missions publishing organisation in Colorado Springs, USA, my weekend turned into a roller coaster ride!

First there was the enthusiasm of my friend who of course, to some degree rubbed off on me. Secondly, I had to reply the query from CO Springs and renovate my CV to be sent off. But mostly, it was the intrusion of my home routine that shattered my momentum. I had been at home 6 years, all these while wishing I would somehow be out in global missions again. I had sunk deeper and deeper in the freelance work-church searching quagmire. I had lived for the future all these years - waiting, hoping, praying for the ONE chance to get myself into missions once again. And then I arrived at some conclusion... I had almost given up hope. I had decided to "be all here" back home. I had decided to be centered. Mebbe I am supposed to be spending the remainder of my life back home in a limbo. Mebbe all that God had done and invested in me are meant to be lived in obscurity back home. Sigh...

Suddenly KAPOW! Co Springs happened.

My radar started to light up. Is this a calling? Being assistant to the President is certainly not a job for the unfettered and frisky me, but the other opening of Writer / Editor post is right up my alley. Dare I hope again?

So the weekend was spent thinking, praying, wondering. Mostly wondering. I sent in my CV, it was the most honest and lucid one I authored. I wanted to debunk any myths about me being over-qualified just in case my friend had oversold me. It is better to come clean on the onset than allow people to second-guess.

Close friends (people who know me, me) expressed caution. They feel an ENFP like me should be working directly with people and ideas. For me, the matter is out of my hands. I am praying that if it be God's will, that He opens the doors. If not, then I am happy to take 'no' for an answer.

Waiting.

There are no accidents...

Uncanny.

Two-and-a half hours ago my friend Josephine died from lung cancer. She had been in pain for a long time. Finally, she has found her rest in Jesus. At about the same time, I just finished blogging about death (see previous post). Mere coincidence? The Creator of the Universe holds the reins of time and space in His hands. Nothing escapes His attention.

Jo leaves behind her two girls and husband James. They were my friends from church and used to open their house for small group gatherings. We had been out of touch for a while, but the bond remains.

The sting of death has been removed, but numbing loss kicks in. I mourn.

Lessons from a Ciku Tree

I woke up this morning to the fresh, crisp, dewy air and the green of the lush, leafy ciku tree outside my window. It is more than 10-years old. The fruits are in full bloom, the tree peppered with hundreds of little brown fruit. Most of them are in different stages of fruition - some are merely budding, others are ready to fall from their stems to the next stage of decay.

I thought about death.

Seriously, that is not a distant prospect where my parents are concerned. What a horryfying, bewildering and sobering thought - all in the same instant! I wonder how I am going to handle the situation when it happens. I am afraid of my own unpreparedness. Would I be helpless, lonely and pathetic? Would I continue to trust God and obey Him? Would I, faced with my own mortality, succumb to the fear that has plagued men since Adam?

Hard to say. This article from John Piper sheds some perspective into the matter. Knowing how to live and knowing how die sums up the lifework of the one who believes in Christ and desires to live for Him. As it is, it is challenging enough trying to live a Christ-filled life. What more learning how to die in a Christ-glorifying manner?

I look at the ciku tree in my garden. For all its different seasons - fruitfulness and barrenness, and those that are in between, it never really took a lot of effort to grow... the elements took care of that. And when it is time to die, the tree will do just that. Its purpose spent, its presence had brightened the earth in its duration of life.

The Creator of the Universe, same Person who created the tree, will also tenderly help me to expire when my time is done on earth. The hows-and-whens are merely details. He will determine the time, location and procedure - all elements weaved by His powerful hands.

My ciku tree looks like it still has many good, sturdy and fruitful years ahead of it. And God willing, if I were to have the same, may those years be characterised by deep roots, strong branches and bushy leaves where fruits are aplenty in its season; and where birds can find shelter.



For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. - Paul, the Apostle

Pleading the Fifth

A weird sense of deja vu swept over me as I sat on the sofa between my mom and dad tonight. There I was, with bible resting on my lap waiting for the service to start while my parents, with their cool composure and the rare word exchanged between them, gazed passively in front. Their eyes hardly met.

You could have shot me, but the scenario was exactly the same one fateful day back in 1998. The location was different, so was the furniture and circumstances... but the level of dysfunction was the same - my parents were in the midst of an uneasy truce which had characterised most of their married life (at least as much as this kid could recall) as they were seated together waiting for an evangelistic dinner to begin.

That night my parents gave their lives to Jesus.

Today, almost a decade later, they were still unable to let go of the major parts of their differences that had plagued their marriage. Sad, but true.

Tonight as we sat on the sofa and listened to the sermon, my dad and mom responded. Pretty much the same way as they did 9 years ago. They seemed to have taken positively to the teaching on sin, forgiveness and letting go of past hurts and tresspasses. They went out for prayer.

The cynic in me would dismiss this as another passing flight of fancy on my parents' part, but the hopeless optimist inside still wants to hang on to the little shred of hope there. I believe God has an active plan and purpose for people like my parents - aged 70, stubborn, opinionated and quite impossible to talk to sometimes.

We shall see.

On my part, I just have to remember, remember and remember the Fifth Commandment - honour your father and mother that you may live long in the land your Lord God had given you.

OK, ok, ok.

Swipe of Mercy

It was not as if I was going to pray about the matter. I've had enough. Nine-and-a-half months of playing nurse and maid to my mom's hyperchondria finally took its toll. The strain was showing in cracked and tensed family relationships. Not good. Not good at all. Since nobody did anything to improve the situation... and I had exhausted all avenues, I decided on one course of action - move out. And there I was, plotting and planning on how to set up office in the new location, stuff to buy, etc etc... when in one swift swipe of mercy, my plans were derailed.

My mom came into my room. We had a talk. First one in a long, long time where we actually talked and she did not dodge the real issues. We struck a deal - she will seek counselling and return to church / cell group, whereas I will continue to stay at home and help her through her new decision.

God again reminded me of what He told me 6 years ago... that I should be back for my family. It was no coincidence either that I was teaching Titus Chapter 2 this week, where in this gem of an epistle, Paul wrote to his protege on the instructions for various groups in the church. For the women, the younger ones in particular, Paul emphasized a primary calling to build, nurture and nourish their families. Our homes are a vital part of our calling and witness to the world.

But it is not easy. It is never easy to live Christ, especially in your own family. Nevertheless, God's grace is sufficient.

So my mom and dad will go for counselling tonight (yay) and we shall see what God will do in the days ahead.

A Race to Run

I had time. So much time. In fact for the past couple weeks, all I had been doing had been (gasp!) letting time slip past my grip as I fretted and got frustrated. I had hit a rough patch and there seemed to be no getting out. As the condition deteriorated, I sank deeper into my own fabricated thoughts... thoughts of uselessness and wasted opportunities. Thoughts of what could have been. Thoughts of just forgetting what I had believed in thus far and concentrate on catching up with the trappings of life. I wondered who will take care of me in my old age... of retirement. Of accumulation of immediate pleasures. I wanted to just for once, think only about myself and my own interests.

Wow.

It is dangerous where your thoughts can lead you.

Some people have asked me what I expect out of Christian life. (I honestly dunno what kinda question that is, but I guess if it is asked, it somewhat deserves an answer). I actually thought long and hard. Obvious 'benefits' like eternal life / heaven aside, Christian living... or authentic Christian living, for most part, is risky, sacrificial, has no guarantee of success and basically drives one to what constitutes an early grave. History attests to those who had been tortured, killed, quartered and suffered mostly for what they treasured as the imperishable belief in an invisible God.

We are pilgrims passing thru'...

My answer, I guess, is not PR-polished. It may even sound cliche. but then again, in our weary world of media overload... what isn't?

I want to finish my race well. Life is just too darned short to be spent on something else. But my problem is, I may not always know what makes a good runner. And I keep making mistakes. I wonder how many times I can get up again, dust off the dirt and keep running. Poets say we weave the tapestry of life. I say... just let me reach the finish line with faith still intact.

Jesus, running is not my second nature, I am sure you know that. Following you is risky. But if ever there was a race worth running, it is because you promised to be there too. That makes all the difference.

My Way or His Way

Life hardly goes the way it is expected, yeah? I am glad. Or else there will be very little room for adventure and anticipation.

The trip to Chiangmai had all the makings of a tour holiday - inland guided tours operated by agents, eating local food, getting around the city getting (partially) fleeced by songtheaw* drivers and wandering around the streets in a truly touristy manner clad in our bermudas and sneakers.

Lai Peng was the super tourist maxxing out on her time and budget. I was the laidback antagonist who wanted nothing better than just sitting down having a chat over a drink with anyone I could grab. Not such a fantastic combo. But we managed without tearing each other's hair out.

The highlight of the trip (actually it became a highlight only today, after the arrival of an email) was getting re-connected with a friend. My friend is a missionary whom I met 4 years ago while she was still attached to an organisation in KL. We met briefly, had a deep connection and parted ways when she went off to seminary and then abroad. We never kept in touch. Then, to my utter suprise, it turned out she was staying just a few doors away from my host in Chiangmai!

We exchanged stories and brought each other up to speed on our respective lives. We really only had a couple hours' worth of real conversation, as the rest of the trip had been one activity after another. Actually the trip had been good for me, I met so many missionaries and it really reminded me of the years I was doing cross-cultural missions abroad. I missed those times and yearned for them. In fact, I lived most of my years in KL after 2001 wanting to go back to the field and longed to "be of service to God" in that manner again. I saw myself as a field material person, and was already prepared to die in my assigned field.

But that was naught to be. At least not for now.

After I got back from Chiangmai, I received a missive from this friend. What she wrote really touched my heart in places I didn't expect. The email read:

" Dear Michelle, it was a real surprise to see you in Chiang Mai too. Now I really believe that God led us to know each other 4 years ago, and that was not a coincidence. Through your sharing it has brought me the confirmation that I am here is not for mistake. This is part of His divine plan in my life. Because recently I have been asking God that why am I here and is this is a mistake of my choice or....?????? Thanks Michelle for bringing the comfort for my heart."

Suffice to say, I have been challenged and silenced (again) by the quiet ways of the Lord. I had my mind and heart set on returning to the field, God showed me He had better use of me elsewhere - though He is not telling me where and when. Yet. It is a hard pill to swallow. It is not really that I should dictate terms in the service of God. It is His work, to be done His way, in His time and at His pleasure.


May we all, Lord, be found doing what gives You most pleasure.

Chiangmai

Yes, Chiangmai here we come! In less than 24 hours, LP and myself will be eating lunch there with our friend Elisha. Not really excited, but kinda looking forward to it. I would prefer a more relaxed break, but LP wants to do everything and anything within our 8-day trip. Oh well...

Things in the itinerary - trekking, temples, tribal visits, kayaking (?), eating, lepak-ing. At some point I would like to join the Wycliffe people and suss out their work too. We shall see. Elisha picks us up from the airport and the lepak-ing will start immediately.

O' Little Child

Moon Len got safely married yesterday. It was a casual dinner at Mum's Place in Damansara Perdana. Nice and cozy. The only people I know there - besides the bride's family - were my high school buddy Mee Yee and her husband. Food, drinks and lotsa chatting going on. And of course, we behaved just like we would when we were 15 years old. Given, we have all grown very different in our professional and domestic lives, each going through our own paths for the past 22 years, but when we got together, it was Form 3 all over again. Bunch of bratty yakking schoolgirls! (I feel sorry for the husbands... for what they had to endure).

School friends represent a part of us that never really dies, no matter how deep the years try to bury those memories. It was a time where the concerns of money, career, and family were seen through the other side of worry. How innocent those days were, and how much more we should treasure them - not as a bygone era of naiveity, but as a time where we were at our truest uninhibited selves, brandishing our dreams and waiting to soar.

And how much more we need to remember, that in each of our mature and old(er) selves that little child never dies.



Threesome



Minus the bride...

One Trip Too Many...?

I finally did it.

Told Sook Ching I am willing to be part of the November Myanmar mission trip should anyone drops out. Should that come to pass, this will be my 2nd short-term mission trip, and fourth trip abroad this year! Shikes... no wonder I am broke! Anyway, no one has dropped out yet, so I am kinda "safe" for the moment.

Been re-reading Tozer's "Born After Midnight". Great stuff. Tells you how you are the sum of all your voluntary thoughts, ie, thoughts that come to mind when you are free to think of whatever you want. How astute.

I've been thinking a lot about life. The brevity of it. And lately, I just can't seem to focus my thoughts on God, especially after the "drugging session" of two weeks staying in bed due to the flu. I was so zonked that I could not really orientate my mind to the stuff at hand, even a week after stopping the antibiotics. This is terrible. They should ban those stuff, or shoot people who propagate them!

So here I am back to the grind... Bible study classes every weekend, a wedding coming up, stories to finish, people to catch up with and... housechores! Dreaming of settling down in Toronto, walking down Younge St and generally vegging out.

I miss my friends in Toronto, Vancouver, Virginia. England. Nepal. I miss those heady missions days. I miss backpacking. Miss throwing caution to the wind and packing up at a moment's notice. Miss the first flush of wonder at the discovery of a new place. Night busses. Hostel lockers. Friendly strangers.

God! Is this what happens at mid-life????

Back to Life

Alright. I came back with vengeance today. Woke up really early, drove myself to Taman Tun Park for some mean morning exercise, went wet marketing, returned home to cook for my niece before she left for school, washed my car, sneakers, did the laundry and some housechores - all before noon! Good, good! At least I am putting that injured / pained / weak hand to use again, and of course I wanna see how far I can stretch it.

Now that the chores are outta the way, it's back to work again... gotta conjure up this story on Vietnamese Coffee Culture for Flavours. Shikes! And I haven't started! AND there's this other piece to spice up for Weekender... Sigh, how many ways can you jazz up a dry, flat, boring story? Sometimes I wonder if I could really stop writing (no, I don't think so... it's just too much a part of me, and I s-t-i-l-l enjoy it.)

So I am probably not going to be that famous and dedicated writer in glasses sitting in front of a typewriter with a cigarette butt sticking outta her mouth and stained coffee mug nearby (this was the strange notion I had of myself while growing up); but minus the cigarette, typewriter and famous parts, I think I've come pretty close.

There. Life is not perfect and CTS still sucks, but it is still darned good compared to what comes in second.

Brewing some Vietnamese.

Two Months

August and September were months of extremes, if you ask me. Firstly there was the sense of a post-mission low after 3 glorious weeks in Port Dickson and Hanoi leading the OM team. It was a great, although unevnetful trip where 'grand action' was concerned. We were instructed to play tourists whilst we had prepared to dig trenches. Oh well...

Then there was of course, there was my adopted father's visit from Virginia Beach for almost a week. A totally shameless 'makansutra' outing. The binge continued with my birthday bash(es). This yeah was tremendous! I was eating non-stop with friends, family and more friends! (The last meal is lunch tomorrow with my buddy... almost one month after my actual birthdate!). I am truly blessed.

Then came the lowpoints. I had fallen ill. Was in bed for 12 days, drugged and drugged again. Not fun. Anymore sleeping and bedsores will peek outta my skinpores! Sigh. A-n-d then, my left arm started acting up... nerve pain! Yikes. This time round it had all the classic symptoms of CTS and freaked me out big time. I was walking around with a bent elbow and clawed hand, probably resembled the person who inspired Frankenstein had it not been already written. Great.

So today I am taking it easy (again!). Sigh... hasn't worked much since August and September's gonna be over soon. Next week I will be in Chiangmai and won't be back till Oct for a shoot.

Life continues...

Back!

Yay, I can blog again!!!!!!

I cannot believe I survived so long without.

My blogger ran into an error snag since erm... July in Hanoi when I tried to post, and since then the flurry of unending activities (travel, guests, sickness, etc) kept me busy - really busy - until now. So, thanks to Allan (who fixed the error in my blogger) I am now back in action!!!!

(Allan, in the meantime has gone to LaLa Land... methinks the all the hard work fixing up blogger has gotten the best of him...)

So now, there are lots to catch up on...

... in the next posts.

Kicked Out

Two days ago, I went for my last bible class. It was final. I was getting kicked out. There was no way they would let me back in after being absent for three times consecutively; not even when the reason of my absence was to lead a mission team abroad.

The Bible Study Fellowship is a superb study, and what worked for me was the sense of discipline it instilled during my 7-year study with them. Every week for 7 years I would go to the lecture and get the notes. Every day of those years I would be doing homework on a particular passage or text.

Unbeknownst to me, those days, weeks and years of study were really very foundational building blocks in spiritual growth. I wouldn't really trade them for anything.

So in a way it is good for me to leave the class, in order to make way for many on the waitlist whom are trying to get in and enjoy the privilege of studying and understanding God's truth for themselves.

And it is also time for me to teach and share what I have gained.

Avner Complex.... not!

Shikes.

Double shikes.

Methinks that's really all I can say about not blogging for ...(gasp!) almost two weeks since the last post! Other than the fact that not much has happened - my hard disk with all those wonderful Tokyo pixs can't be posted coz there was a connection flaw; the wound where they stitched up my arm after the surgery spawned into a huge, fat caterpillar scar (my friend suspects its coz of the Vit E), my arm - nerve injury returned; I suddenly had a deluge of jobs (good news for paying off Hanoi trip); I discovered I had an eyelash allergy; watched Fantastic Four and Transformers (the latter was surprisingly entertaining); and both my toilets need fixing.

Oh yeah, I finished George Jonas' "Vengeance" in two days. Pageturner it was, at least for me. Even after I had watched the Spielberg version months before; about a hit team led by "Avner", sent to hunt and assasinate the terrorists whom the Mossad were convinced had perpetrated the Munich Olympic massacre in 1972.

Strange that in a twist of circumstances, the book should end up in my hands. It actually belonged to a friend who loaned it to his friend, who incidentally kept it for a long, long time before returning it when her employment ended. From one hand to another, the book was passed to me. I happened to have some time to kill while waiting for my car to be serviced and opened it. Once I started, there was no stopping. Until two days later, that is...

What captivated me, more than the intrigue of international espionage, was the blow-by-blow account of the Munich massacre - the brutality and spine-chilling account of how the Israeli athletes were slain... the evil face of terrorism - and later, the paradoxical concept of retaliation by the "victims" themselves. Terrorism, counter-terrorism... are they any different? Doesn't both sides comprise people with the same fears, dedication and weaknesses?

To a micro extent, it drew me back to my task at hand. Hanoi. The thought that occupied me mostly was how to get everyone there and back in one piece. To tell the truth, this thought concerned me more than "what kind of impact" we were going to make there. That I leave to God. Tell me my focus is wrong, or that I am not trusting enough, etc etc... but what really concerns me is that I am taking some people to a strange place and I am in a way responsible for their safety.

Of course, I know that all will turn out as purposed (Rom 8:28) and a good understanding of that purpose is necessary to ease the taut between the tensions.

As the day draws nearer, I find myself, eager, and yet unprepared. Though I have prepared all I possibly could. I have told people a million times that a flexible attitude is the greatest asset. Yet to what extent should I allow flexibility? What kinda decisions would I be making when we are out there, decisions that could affect another person's life? What kind of mistakes are deemed too costly?

Wisdom, yes. Courage, I need plenty.

On one hand, this could be seen as a girl scouts' outing. But as it is, nothing is ever what it seems on the surface. God's ways are not man's ways. There is a sudden rush even as I type this, a feeling of that hint of the unexpected, the danger, the risk; and yet knowing that God will not allow more than what we can bear. Would I be a good leader? I really dunno, hey, I am just doing this because I was asked to volunteer, ok?

Whatever happens- good, bad, ugly - one thing is for sure. We are all moving one step nearer to understanding the call and destiny in Christ.



How we get there.... is another story for another post in the future.